I am an AI aficionado. I only didn’t watch one season and that season doesn’t count because it had nothing to do with the talent on the stage and was all about the catfights behind the judges table between two divas who shall remain unnamed because I refuse to give those fame whores anymore fame.
When ABC said they were bringing it back on I was intrigued. And now that we are into the first week of America voting and I have thoughts. The main one is that while these judges did an excellent job of selecting talented voices they did a better job of selecting “stories”. Each of the top 14 have some sob story to tell that is why we are supposed to vote for them. It’s like they are giving us a season full of Danny “Dead Wife Guy” Gokey or Crystal “I’m a Phony Indie Chick, see my Dreads” Bowersox.
And unfortunately, Luke “My Smile is surgically implanted” Bryan, Katy “Still Striving to Be Relevant” Perry, and Lionel “I’m trying to Judge, But Look at My Counterparts” Richie are just wasting air time. So, I’m here to give you the real run down, complete with names that will help us remember each contestant.
USED TO BE FAT KID = Caleb Lee Hutchinson – Midnight Train
The kid has a good country voice and the stage presence of a high schooler during a high school talent show. If he makes it to the top 10 it will be a miracle. Kudos to him for the weight loss though. I’ve been there and failed at it miserably!
IMMIGRANT GIRL = Michelle Sussett – Friends
Until tonight I thought she had a good voice and could go pretty far. Tonight, she decided to scream and be sexy. Luke and Lionel bought it, Katy didn’t and almost called her out, but of course she didn’t. She needs to take her over confidence and leave already.
SINGLE DADDY DUDE = Marcio Donaldson – It’s a Miracle
Well this was the first Amusement Park Performance we’ve seen, and he gave it his all. I’d cast him for the Medora Musical, but not for next week’s show. But if you are going to choose Barry Manilow that is what you must be trying for.
RACHEL BERRY GIRL = Mara Justine – This is Me
So tonight, we got a sob story about how Mara is shunned at high school and maybe that’s true, and if it is that’s wrong. But, I must be honest, I’m not sure I believe it, because she doesn’t come across as genuine. And while she has a great voice the performance was the second Amusement Park Performance. She hit the right notes, but I swear her voice cracked and tears rolled at the exact same point in the song that Keala Settle did singing the song at the Oscars. It was just so manufactured, and the judges almost called her out on it, but of course they didn’t.
AW SHUCKS MY GRANNY LOVES ME = Garrett Jacobs – Raging Fire
Why did this kid choose a Phillip Phillips song? Dude seriously you have a great voice and could get the Scotty McCreery vote with your cute boy next door look but then you choose a song by a guy whose parents were as original in choosing a first name as he is in choosing songs. The song sucks and even Luke Bryan almost criticized you, and if Luke is even in the ballpark of criticizing you know you are in trouble.
DRAG QUEEN WHO HAD BRAIN SURGERY = Ada Vox – The Show Must Go On
Okay first of all, no I’m not being mean, Ada is a drag queen, literally and it’s growing on me. I wish she hadn’t thrown out the whole brain surgery storyline tonight because now I care a little less. Her performance tonight was solid and showcased her voice, but the best part of watching her sing is watching Luke Bryan try to love her but be so afraid his redneck fans won’t appreciate it. It’s kind of fun.
SOCIALLY AWKWARD GIRL = Catie Turner – Take Me to Church
Okay I must be honest, Catie is my girl. She truly has the vocal chops, she utilizes them to her advantage and she is so socially awkward that some people thin k it’s fake, but it’s obviously real. Girl is on stage Singing Take Me to Church, a song that is about S-E-X, like real good S-E-X and you’re not quite sure if she knows that is what the song is about or not, but she is hitting every note and selling it. I love her!
THE ROCKIN FARMER = Cade Foehner – Black Magic Woman
This guy can rock, but I’m beginning to think he needs to show us something different. He’ll go far, and he should, but if he doesn’t do something to mix it up he’ll go the way of all the other rockers and be kicked out right before the last show.
STRUGGLING DADDY DUDE = Dennis Lorenzo – In My Blood
He’s got a great voice and it was an impressive performance and I just can’t find myself liking him because the producers have told us from the day he auditioned that we must love him because he’s a struggling dad. Sorry I never like anything that is forced on me. I just don’t.
GIRL MOST IN NEED OF A PERSONA = Maddie Poppe – Homeward Bound
This girl has the voice, like THE VOICE, but what she doesn’t have is an identity or a stage presence. No really, tonight while she was singing beautifully they had some sort of light show behind her that was more exciting to watch than she was as she stood there strumming her guitar. I hope she can make it past tonight and show us who she is but I’m doubtful.
MY WIFE IS DEPOLYED SO VOTE FOR ME GIRL = Jurnee – Bang Bang
Full disclosure, I have disliked her from her audition. Great your gay and married to a woman who is deployed, and you can sing. But you aren’t the next great thing. And tonight, you proved it with your C- rendition of Ariana Grande. She can go away now.
THE VANILLA GUY = Jonny Brenns – This is Gospel
This is the guy I just can’t figure out how he is still here. His voice is really solid but his original hook to get us to care about him was that his parents didn’t support him. Then he came to Hollywood and his mom supported him and by the end of Hollywood week his dad was there supporting him. His hook is gone, and he has nothing else spectacular to offer. And tonight his performance of Panic! At the Disco song was interesting but it was the closest we saw to a karaoke performance. That said, cute boys do go far on AI, so he could stick around.
SOCIALLY AWKWARD GUY = Michael J. Woodard – Titanium
I guess I like the socially awkward ones because this is my other favorite. This guy can sing, and I mean SING! He has an eclectic taste in songs and his own unique style. And tonight’s performance of Titanium was nothing short of spectacular. I can’t even begin to find anything to criticize.
HARD WORKING DADDY GIRL = Gabby Barrett – The Climb
I feel bad about the name I have given her because tonight the producers finally decided to stop trying to make us like her because her dad works three jobs to support her. And I have to be honest I have mad props for her dad, but I just don’t like the way the producers try to guilt us into liking someone. Let their voice do that. Tonight, she showcased her range really well, but I wish she had been more original. I mean come on this Pittsburg girl had a very Hannah Montana Southern Twang down for her performance. She’ll make it past tonight, but she’s going to have to get original to win it all.
My guess for top 10 – Catie, Michael, Ada, Gabby, Dennis, Maddie, Garrett, Cade, Jonny, and Jurnee