Fast Cars And Bad Acting

Okay, I need to preface this post by saying that until tonight I had never seen any of the Fast and Furious movies. Not because I am a movie snob. I saw From Justin to Kelly (albeit under protest) so that proves I am not a movie snob. No, I have never seen any of them because there is always some other movie, with like talent involved, that I want to see more. But tonight I decided to go see Furious 7. Mainly because of all the hype, and secondly because I felt the need to see something that would allow me to be snarky on here.

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I asked around from others that had seen it already, if not having seen the previous ones was going to be a problem. They all assured me that I would be able to follow it. A husband of one friend even started trying to give me backstory and important plot points, but I tuned him out pretty easily. He’s easy to tune out. He starts talking and I start counting how many words he uses that have more than two syllables (I’m pretty sure he has yet to ever hit a four syllable word) and so I never actually focus on what he is saying. It’s a fun game.

Now to be honest, I was pretty sure that it was a safe bet that I was going to be able to follow the movie pretty easily. How complex and complicated could the story be? I mean, come on it has a script that Vin Diesel can follow. Complexities were not going to be an issue. Contrivances, yes! Complexities, no! And I was right. I figured out pretty quickly who was a good guy, who was a bad guy, who was family, who was “family”, and who needed acting lessons. Once again, Mr. Diesel does not disappoint.

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Now I’m sure you are thinking based on what I have said so far that I must have hated the movie. And I didn’t. It was an enjoyable 2 plus hours. The action sequences are abundant. The car scenes are fast and furious! See what I did there. Yep I can be amused so easily, and I was while I watched the movie.   Cars falling from the sky, explosions that all the good guys and bad guys walk away from, cars jumping from building to building, fight scenes, cars out running drone missiles, people having ridiculous martial art fights, cars racing down mountains, cheesy dialogue delivered by the likes of The Rock and Michelle Rodriguez, and did I mention cars doing things that the law of physics say can’t be done. All of that on an IMAX screen. Awesome!

And you know what was great about all of that? It’s all believable. Well, that’s to say that it is more believable than the fact that Vin Diesel has an IMDb page with over 25 movies on it. Yes you read that right. Hollywood has paid this guy to be in over 25 movies! If that is possible, than believe me cars can jump from high rise building to high rise building and parachute out of airplanes and land spot on the mark. Seriously people. Vin Diesel is in the history of man, one of the worst actors to ever grace the silver screen. And yes I am including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Justin Guarini above him on that list. Dude can look tough. Dude can throw a punch. Dude can drive a car. Dude can’t act.

Now besides the bad acting of Mr. Diesel, there are some other performances that will make you groan at times but will entertain you. Jason Statham is his usual mediocre bad guy. The Rock has a minor role in the film with some lines that just make you want to find the writer and slap him. Michelle Rodriguez should be given kudos for staying sober throughout the filming. Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson have moments of humor that I guess make their roles important. And Kurt Russell is, I think, a new character to the franchise that is everything you want Kurt Russell to be if he’s going to be in a movie like this. Although it is sad that he is in a movie like this.

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Now, I haven’t mentioned Paul Walker yet, and that is not because I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but because he is probably the only grounded part of the movie. Yes his character does some pretty impossible stuff, but Mr. Walker pulls it off. He’s the everyman of the film and so you are rooting for him. I have to admit, I got annoyed a few times because I felt like maybe the makers of the film were trying to put his character in danger so the whole audience would feel more invested in his scenes, wondering is this how they are going to write him out, now that the actor is dead. But looking back at it now I don’t think that was the case. I suspect those scenes are typical of the franchise and his character.

The movie ends with a great ending tribute to the character Mr. Walker plays, as well as to the actor himself. And there is actually a moment where you actually believe Vin Diesel’s character emotion, but then you realize that it is not his character’s emotion but the actor’s emotion at having lost a true friend.

Now that I have seen Furious 7, you may wonder if I will watch the other 6. The answer is no. Nor will I watch any of the other 25 plus films that Vin Diesel is in. Seriously, DUDE CAN’T ACT!

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